Break

There is a song by the Newsboys which sings to God:
And I feel like I could break
Lord I know it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by Your heart ache

I had my own taste of heartache this week as I dealt with a new level of involvement at NFNF. One of our client babies died - something I had heard about, but never been connected to before. I had only met this mother twice, but already her outgoing personality and her troop of children had won a piece of my heart. There are really no answers here. Babies do die, and often for accidental reasons we can't explain. I'm sad for the client's loss, but I am mostly worried about the fate of the remaining family.
My boss invited me to sit on a debriefing session for the staff that knew the client. I went in seeking a little more information. What I got was a two hour emotional roller coaster. In a situation like this, the nurses need to mourn, but also to seek lessons from experience. Did we do everything we could? Did we do too much and enable co-dependence? There was sadness, anger, and frustration.
The more I was reminded about the family's situation, the more I saw connections to my own family. There are four kids, half boys and half girls. I look at the 9 year old son drawing pictures and see my little brothers. I hear about the hardworking father and see my own. I see the oldest daughter parenting her siblings and see myself.
And then it hit me - that could have been us. If my parents had been born in the 'hood instead of suburbia, if they hadn't had a stable upbringing, if if if....I could be homeless too, living in hotel rooms and hoping my parents patch up their differences enough to make a home. I wish I were God and could swoop in on that family, lifting the kids up to a cozy house and good schools.

Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling Your heart ache
Your creation through Your eyes
There is pain
It's no mistake
The closer I get to You I see
Soul's full of hurt
Full of need
The closer I get I see
Less of me